Gary L. Simmons  rev 01/29/10  http://webwonks.org/JOTW/jan.html

Home  Marathon  Joke OT Weak  Web Building  Resumé  Lynx  Hobbies  Extra  Site Map

Send me a joke you want others to enjoy!

01/29/2010

IDIOT SIGHTINGS:

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!' His reply, 'I know. I already got that side.' This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS

STAY ALERT! They walk among us... and the scary part is that they VOTE and they REPRODUCE!

(Thanks to Pam Stephen who had the same problem with her convertable.)

01/28/2010

IF MY BODY WERE A CAR:

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ... But that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it --

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter...either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!?

(Thanks to Ron Stephens who lights his backfires)

01/27/2010

I've sure gotten old!

• I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
• New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
• I'm half blind.
• Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine.
• Take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
• Have bouts with dementia.
• Have poor circulation.
• Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
• Can't remember if I'm 89 or 98.
• Have lost all my friends.

But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

(Thanks to Karen Kischel who apparently fought prostate cancer ... wait ... what name were you born with??)

01/26/2010

A man walks into a bar with an alligator and asks the barman 'Do you serve Islamic extremists in here?'

The barman says, 'Of course, we serve all types of religious and racial backgrounds'

The man then says 'OK then give me a beer and an Islamic extremist for the alligator'

01/22/2010

IDIOT SIGHTINGS:

• At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.
  
• I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.

(Thanks to Pam Stephens who can sight an idiot everytime she rolls over in bed)

01/20/2010

TEN PEEVES THAT DOGS HAVE ABOUT HUMANS:

1. Blaming your farts on me..... not funny... not funny at all !!!
2. Yelling at me for barking. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG
3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose. Stop it!
5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time.
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
9. Dog sweaters. Hello ??? Haven't you noticed the fur?
10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth. You're just jealous.

(Thanks to Ron Stephens who taught his dog how to shake hands so he could take over all that crotch sniffing)

01/13/2010

Paddy met Mick in the street and Mick said "Paddy will ye be drawin' your bedroom curtains before making love to your wife in the future?"

"Why?" Paddy asked.

"Because," said Mick "all the street was laughing when they saw ye making love yesterday"

Paddy replied "Silly buggers ! - the laughs on them. I wasn't home yesterday !!" 

(Thanks to Mike Hall who is slowing realizing exactly why his neighbors are so cheerful lately)

01/11/2010

• Dear Abby,
  Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
• Dear Abby,
  I joined the Navy to see the world. I seen it. Now how do I get out?
• Dear Abby,
  My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
• Dear Abby,
  I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
• Dear Abby,
  My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through mental pause.
• Dear Abby,
  You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

(Thanks to Mimi Morgan who has had a mental pause of her own)

01/08/2010

Five Rules For Men To Follow For A Happy Life!

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

Sincerely,

Tiger Woods

(Thanks to Joe Welsch who is still working on having a woman)

01/07/2010

GETTING OLD:

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?'

'98,' she replied, 'Two years older than me'

'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.

She responded , 'Hardly worth going home, is it?

(Thanks to Karen Kischel who has her undertaker on speed dial)

01/06/2010

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore ------ under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt .'

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

(Thanks to Joe Welsch who has gone braless since birth... mostly)

01/05/2010

IDIOT SIGHTING:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS

(Thanks to Pam Stephens who thinks Geordi La Forge really pilots a starship)

01/04/2010

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, And a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"

(Thanks to Ron Stephens who wonders why dog show participants are all populated by blind people)