| Gary L. Simmons | rev 02/24/10 | http://webwonks.org/JOTW/feb.html |
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02/24/2010
Ole married an attractive woman, Lena, half his age. After several months, Lena complained that she had never climaxed during sex, and, according to her Grandma, all Norwegian farm women are entitled to a climax once in a while.
So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the large-animal Vet (since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in Mower County). The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and dad, Olga and Sven, would fan a cow that was having difficulty birthing a calf to cool her down and make her struggles easier. So, the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile, young man to wave a towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to climax.
So the couple hired a young man from the big city of Minneapolis named Lars to wave a towel over them as the Vet suggested. After many efforts, still no climax. They went back to the Vet. The Vet said for Lena to change partners and let Lars have sex with her while Ole waved the towel. They tried it that night and Lena went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one after the other. When it was over, Ole smugly looked down at Lars and said, "Ya see, city slicker, now DAT's how ya wave da towel!
(Thanks to Joe Welsch who can wave a towel with the best of them)
02/22/2010
Spring Classes for Women at
THE
ADULT LEARNING CENTER
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
by Tuesday, May 5, 2009
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.
Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..
Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM
Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
(Thanks to Karen Kischel who told me these jokes during the program)
02/19/2010
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
DR. PHIL: "The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems".
OPRAH: "Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens."
GEORGE W. BUSH: "We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here."
(Thanks to Ron Stephens who thinks the chicken crossed the road because he was stapled to the punk rocker)
02/15/2010
A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this".
She goes downstairs.
The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"
The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!
(Thanks to Mike Hall who used to be a blond back when he had hair)
02/10/2010
Toyota Unveils New Slogan: Drive a Toyota. You'll Never Stop. Hopes to Reverse Public Relations Setbacks
TOKYO (The Borowitz Report) Hoping to reverse a series of public relations setbacks, Toyota today unveiled a new slogan, Drive a Toyota. You'll Never Stop.
Company spokesman Hiroshi Kyosuke said that the slogan was chosen after the company considered several others, including Toyota Puts the Pedal to the Metal, And Keeps it There.
Mr. Kyosuke said that the company considered, but then abandoned, the slogan, Toyota, The Last Car You'll Ever Drive.
(Thanks to Joe Welsch who wreck his bike the last time he put the pedal to the metal)
02/06/2010
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?'
The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?????'
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'
(Thanks to Mimi Morgan who beats the crap out of her kids to put into the carburetor)
02/05/2010
A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral.
(Thanks to Kyle Cain who doesn't get insulted because he is a new contributor!)
02/04/2010
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men.
(Thanks to Ron Stephens who thinks his mom is hot)
02/03/2010
(Thanks to Karen Kischel who thinks wearing the same leotards twice makes them retards)
02/01/2010
Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: 'Gosh, I remember these.
(Thanks to Joe Welsch who can't remember where he got these jokes)
