Gary L. Simmons  rev 03/31/08  http://webwonks.org/JOTW/mar.html

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03/31/2008

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, "Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest." "Thanks, but I'd be better off here I need to keep my mind off it, and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass, and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office, and sees the blonde crying hysterically. "What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?" he asks. "No!" exclaims the blonde. "I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!"

(Thanks to Ron Stephens who something something something blonds)

03/26/2008

SENSIBLE OBSERVATIONS:

• "Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.. But I repeat myself."
  --Mark Twain
• "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan ."
  --A. Whitney Brown
• "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'"
  --Dave Barry
• Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.
  -- Unknown, presumed deceased
• "Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer."
  -- W. C. Fields

(Thanks to Karen Kischel who can find Afghanistan without exploding)

03/24/2008

GIRL TROUBLE:

• MEMORY
  Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people   remembering the same thing.
  
• APPEARANCE
  Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.Women somehow deteriorate  during the night.
  
• PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
  A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
  A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
  
• DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
  A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
  
• COMPREHENSION
  There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.

03/21/2008

ONLY A TRUE GOLFER WILL UNDERSTAND THIS:

• Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.
• Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
• When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
• If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options - you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
• The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
• No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
• The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors.

(Thanks to Joe Welsch who has thrown some very fine putters)

03/19/2008

A blonde was shopping at Target, and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk t o ask what it was. The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos... It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

"Wow, said the blonde, "that's amazing... I'm going to buy it!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk "What's that?" he asked

"Why, that's a thermos... It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied.

Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"

The blond replied... "Two popsicles and some coffee."

(Thanks to Ron Stephens who keeps two testicles in some coffee on cold mornings)

03/17/2008

SENSIBLE OBSERVATIONS:

• "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."
  --Johnny Carson
• "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
  --Paul Rodriguez
• "My parents didn't want to move to Florida , but they turned sixty and that's the law."
  --Jerry Seinfeld
• "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?"
  --Warren Hutcherson
• "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."
  --Oscar Wilde

(Thanks to Karen Kischel who is very close to breaking the law)

03/14/2008

GIRL TROUBLE:

• SHOPPING MATH
  A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
  A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
  
• GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
  A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
  A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
  A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
  A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
  
• HAPPINESS
  To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to   understand her at all.
  
• LONGEVITY
  Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

03/12/2008

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry , walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.

An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.

Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?"

"Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies,

"You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America , and the other to Australia . We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."

The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.

Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening.

He orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers. The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and all...

"The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."

(Thanks to Mike Hall who thinks Lent is a brand of beer)

03/10/2008

A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, 'Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?'

He says, 'Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.' She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, 'That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00.'

She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!' As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.' Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,' he says. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be $34.50 please.'

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, 'Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?'

He replies,' Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.'

(Thanks to Joe Welsch who is famous for opening catfish bait while on the elevator)

03/06/2008

A blonde was driving home after a game, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees, and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

Her blonde roommate saw her, and asked, "What are you doing?"

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."

(Thanks to Ron Stephens who would like to add that it helped him a lot to turn the engine off first)

03/05/2008

SENSIBLE OBSERVATIONS:

• "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
  --Bob Ettinger
• "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
  --Paula Poundstone
• "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."
  --Conan O'Brien
• "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner."
  --Lynda Montgomery
• "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"
  --Richard Jeni

(Thanks to Karen Kischel who ate Nemo with some fava beans and a nice Chianti)

03/03/2008

Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Because everybody who can run, jump, and swim are already in America.

Q: What's brown and often found in children's underpants?
A: Michael Jackson's hand.

Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

Q: How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
A: Put a nipple on it.