Gary L. Simmons  rev 05/16/08  http://webwonks.org/JOTW/may.html

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05/16/2008

I was feeling particularly depressed one day and saw this billboard while driving:

NEED HELP? CALL JESUS
1-800-005-3787

Out of curiosity, I did and a Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.

(Thanks to Joe Welsch who asked to be baptized anyway)

05/14/2008

BRAND NEW EDITION OF "YOU KNOW YOU'RE A REDNECK WHEN":

• You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
• Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
• You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.
• The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
• Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
• You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
• A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
• You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
• You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
• You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

(Thanks to Ron Stephens who just can't live without his back scratcher)

05/12/2008

Recently, while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with long gray hair and beard, wearing a white robe and sandals, holding a staff. President Bush went up to the man and said, "Has anyone told you that you look like Moses?" The man didn't answer. He just kept staring straight ahead. The president said, "Moses!" in a loud voice. The man just stared ahead, never acknowledging the president.

The president then pulled a Secret Service agent aside and, pointing to the robed man, asked, "Am I crazy or does that man not look like Moses to you? The Secret Service agent looked at the man & agreed. "Well," said the president, "every time I say his name, he ignores me and stares straight ahead, refusing to speak. Watch!" Again the president yelled, "Moses!" and again the man ignored him.

The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?"

The man leaned over and whispered back, "Shhhh! Yes, I am Moses. But the last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert and ended up leading my people to the only spot in the entire Middle East with no oil."

(Thanks to Karen Kischel who refuses to talk to her bush too)

05/07/2008

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer.

05/05/2008

You gotta love this one even if you've never lived in the South. Some of you will enjoy this more than others... Southerners can be so polite!

Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R

Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised."

Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711 --You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."

Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. - Allah is Great."

Pause...

Saudi Air: " ATLANTA ATC - ATLANTA ATC"

Atlanta ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 511."

Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE."

Atlanta ATC: "Well bless your little hearts. And praise Jesus. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah "hey" for us -- "

(Thanks to Mike Hall who will probably soon be the recipient of a rather loud IED)

05/02/2008

ONLY A TRUE GOLFER WILL UNDERSTAND THIS:

• Sometimes it seems as though your cup moveth over.
• A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.
• Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up having to pray a lot.
• A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are ... that's why I get so many calls to play with friends.
• That rake by the sand trap is there for golfers who feel guilty about skipping out on lawn work.
• If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.
• Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week.
• A pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there.
• It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.
• If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse).
• You probably wouldn't look good in a green jacket anyway! A sweatshirt will do just fine.
• It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain surgeon. On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart,drink beer, eat hot dogs and fart if you are performing brain surgery.

(Thanks to Joe Welsch who gets a lot of calls to play golf)

05/01/2008

BRAND NEW EDITION OF "YOU KNOW YOU'RE A REDNECK WHEN":

• Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
• Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
• You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
• You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
• You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
• You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
• You have a rag for a gas cap.
• Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
• You wonder how service stations keep their restroom's so clean.
• You can spit without opening your mouth.

(Thanks to Ron Stephens who wonders how they can wreck such good cars at the demolition derby)