Super spicy chili sauce sparked road closures and evacuations in central London after passers-by complained that a chemical emanating from a Thai restaurant was burning their throats, police said Wednesday.

Reports of a strong smell wafting from a restaurant in London's bustling Soho district Monday prompted the London Fire Brigade to send a chemical response team, a Metropolitan Police spokesman said.

Firefighters closed off roads, sealed buildings and donned special breathing masks to ferret out the source of the acrid smell as onlookers coughed the Times of London reported.

Smashing down the door of the suspected source - the Thai Cottage restaurant - they seized the culprit: extra-hot bird's eye chilies that had been left dry-frying'.

No one was arrested, the police spokesman said, declining to give his name in line with force policy.

Chili Defense - No, this isn't a version of the famous Dan White "Twinkie Defense" that succeeded in San Francisco's courts of law in the seventies. On your chili peppers page, you state that the plants' production of capsaicin is a "defense mechanism" adding that it is a "colossal failure." Perhaps not. When it takes several hundred thousand, or even millions of years of evolution to develop a defense mechanism, the ones we see today are ones that are still pretty effective. In the case of chili peppers, the majority of the capsaicin is concentrated in the seeds (this is why one ought to de-seed chilies hotter than Serranos or Tabascos before putting them in a dish). It's also true that capsaicin increases the metabolism. Further, perhaps the "defense-mechanism" of chilies (producing capsaicin) is not that it prevents eating them, but rather prevents the destruction of the seeds so that the plant may more effectively reproduce (otherwise naturally-occurring mild chilies would not have survived and would not be extant species today).

So. Let's take a mammalian critter--a Llama, if you will (they are larger than frogs)--and have him eat his very first chili pepper. At first, the critter is astonished by the heat, but the endorphins flooding his brain after having eaten them induces a kind of soporific effect (ever felt a little "high" after having eaten a really hot chili dish? Welcome to the wonderful world of built-in morphine-like chemicals that your brain naturally squeezes out when it "thinks" that the body's been damaged), encouraging him to eat more chilies, as well as trying to find hotter ones. Now, the critter's metabolism has been raised, especially in direct proportion to the amount of capsaicin there is in any given bolus ("Any Given Bolus" would be a great name for a band), as well as engorging the respective digestive organs with blood, further expediting the digestive process.

I think you can see where I'm going with this. Like corn, chili seeds pass through our digestive tracts so quickly (and relatively intact given the terribly caustic environments that our digestive systems are) that they get passed almost unharmed. Not only is the seed not damaged in any significant way, the surrounding dung once defecation occurs serves as a fertilizer to further ensure chili reproduction. Capsaicin may have once been developed as a defense mechanism, but it seems to me that it could actually be serving to reinforce reproductive tactics. The fact that chilies can grow just about anywhere testifies to this (only the most fragile plants develop robust defense-mechanisms; once you put them in a climate or soil they haven't developed for, they die faster than a Kevorkian patient). A better candidate for "defense mechanism" would be, say, poison ivy--it's a fairly robust defense (eat it and you get a rash in your mouth for a week), but the plant grows only in temperate zones--chilies grow damn near anywhere you plant them, even though their origins are in the Americas.

So instead of capsaicin being a "defense," it might be more rightly regarded as a "reproductive aid."

--Aaron Snyder
AKA "AJS" on a.g.m

Gary's Counter Counterpoint:

Jane, you ignorant slut. Point 1 - The capsaicin is concentrated in the chili pods PLACENTA surrounding the seed, not in the seed itself. Point 2 - Chili seeds, just like any tough seed such as tomato or corn seeds, are protected from digestion by a tough seed coat not by residual placental capsaicin coating the seed (capsaicin that gets dissolved away from the seed by stomach acids). Point 3 - In the animal kingdom only people are maniac enough to eat hot chilies, every other living thing in God's creation understands immediately what the chili pepper is trying to tell them. Feed a REAL llama a habañero and it will bray like a mule and kick your butt up between your eyebrows, knock back a fifth of tequila, and hunt down your mom, dad and grandparents. Point 4 - Scoville units as an indicator of a plants ability to grow in a variety of climates is doubtful at least, unproven at best.

I do however agree that the hot chilies have had a very favorable treatment by people who enjoy them, and like any cultivated crop enjoys a state of protection from the random will of natural selection, soil conditions and weather.

Now Jane, as much as I thoroughly enjoy talking about dung and reproductive aids, ESPECIALLY in conjunction with one another I must point out that as a woman you really have no opinion and are over your head in any conversation NOT involving a diaper change and a virulent red ass-rash. Therefore if you would kindly be a good girl and shut the hell up and go cook something maybe we can have a little peace and quite here. I know in this progressive day and age you want to assert your little views but keep in mind that not even frickin' Susan B. Anthony wants to hear it, but as long as you brought up the subject of "dung" you should know that the family dog squeezed out a steamer on the carpet and it is crying out for your feminine ministrations. Now with some PROPER focus on your energies, instead of flapping your lips like a Ubangi in a wind tunnel, you could be ironing some useless piece of crap flat or better yet stuffing that hulking mass of jiggling ass fat into something sexy and surprising your husband with some hot monkey love if only for ONCE this month!

And that is tonight's "Point - Counterpoint". Thank you and good night.

A friend of mine I worked with drew some very nice pencil sketches for me of the typical office worker at our job who happened upon a batch of Gary's Salsa Godzilla. The artists name is Mark Alspaugh. The first sketch shows someone after taking a bite of this deadly concoction. The second sketch is that same person, barely recovered from his head exploding, the next day attempting to go to the bathroom. Here is a word of warning. Chew your Salsa Godzilla well. What doesn't get digested just marches through your gastro intestional system intact like so many lava plutons. If you think you can avoid the hot by just swallowing it down, you will just get smacked down the next day. Smacked down worse.

What is missing here is color. There are lots of flames shooting out of this and that. When I get time I am going to try to colorize these things. Until then, you can enjoy them as the artist intended. I think the tears squirting directly out of the pupil of the eye is a touch of genius. Mark rulez.

Here is an email that I sent at work one day announcing that, because of complaints, I was bringing a watered down version of Salsa Godzilla to the potluck. The email:

Listen up, you whiners:

I keep hearing from all you pathetic mewling marshmallows to tone down the salsa. You say, "I like the taste of Salsa Godzilla but it is too hoooooot." Read that last quoted section out loud in your highest voice while pinching your nose closed-I'll wait.

You weak sniveling sissies!! In my day we had it tough. When I was 3 years old I started working at the salt mines. I was woken up with a punch in the face, fed dirt, sticks, coffee grounds and Salsa Godzilla for breakfast and had to walk barefoot on sharp rocks and vomit-smeared, broken glass for 15 miles. When I got there they would throw me down the mine shaft (the elevator was reserved for Senior Staff) and whip me with vinegar soaked ropes while I dug salt with my bare hands. And let me tell you wimps, I was glad to have the job, lucky to land the position I had and grateful for the 14 cents a day I earned!! I bet you eat lunch every day, don't you? Well in my day that was unheard of. We worked straight on for 18 hours stopping only to die of a cave in, equipment explosions, or heart failure. After a body cavity search for stolen mine equipment by Nurse Ratchet I would crawl home, do my chores, eat a few bugs or if I was lucky, a rat with some more Salsa Godzilla, and go to sleep for 2 hours in the rusty steel barrel I had to share with my 8 brothers and sisters. Oh I know, you're thinking "big deal." Well it IS a big deal you whining, paper-piddling puppies!! This is just indicative of how soft this country of pantywaists has gotten.

Well, I can adjust. If you spoiled rotten little crybabies want weak spineless salsa, then wussie salsa it is. For the Monday Potluck I will be introducing Gary's Salsa Bambi, (so called because you pansies hide in the tall grass when little bunny Foo Foo goes bouncing by). This Salsa has no chilies in it, the chilies will be in a separate bowl, for those with the heuvos grandes, to add to their own personal portions.

You make me sick,

Gary

Hot As Blazes And Next Entrails Release, Ouch!

Hot As Blacktop After Nuking Every Road Once.

Hafta Apply Beer Against Nuked Entrails, Reapplying Often.

Hot As Blazes And Never Entirely Really Out.

Submitted by K. Furey AKA Inferno-lips:
Heat As Bad As Nuclear Explosive Radioactive Onions

If you have any Habanero anagrams you want to share then let me know.

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

"Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy s**t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. F**k those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress.as he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a f**king grenade in my mouth, pull the f**king pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my f**king mouth. My pants are full of lava-like s**t to match my goddamn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. F**k it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the f**king 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.

FRANK: -------------- (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)